A HAPPY DAY....

a good start of yr day can really make a difference

so here goes:

Etiquette of The Early Morning Dump

On some of the more mundane days in my life, one of the highlights has to be that serene and tranquil moment that is the first shit of the day.

But how should one go about this?

After deep contemplation, there's more to it than meets the eye. This world-renowned ritual is not something to be taken lightly. It's a serious matter. Serious enough in fact, that on some days it's the only reason I even get out of bed. If it wasn't for my swelling large intestines threatening to release their contents onto the bed linen, then I would probably stay tucked up as long as possible. But the moment always comes, and has to be dealt with in the appropriate manner, so I have devised a cunning strategy in order to make the event pass, quite literally, as smoothly as possible.

Step 1: Plan Ahead

Remember, it's never a bad thing to be prepared. Take time the previous night to make sure things are in place. Double check there is enough bog roll to cope with the carnage, and clear a path - you never know if you're going to wake up and have to run to make it in time.

Step 2: To Read, or Not to Read?

Gauge whether or not you will need some suitable reading material. This can accurately be assessed based on your choice of evening meal. If you've had a few beers and a curry, it's safe to say that the job will pretty much take care of itself, and you can peruse your preferred choice of literature in comfort while gravity does its thing. If you've had something a little more on the solid side, say fish and chips, or a takeaway pizza, then reading material is a no-no. You're going to need to focus your concentration on forcing out the wide load that will gestate inside you overnight.

Choice of material is also critical - toilet humour, easy-reading fiction and the latest edition of Exchange and Mart are all acceptable. Porn, whilst good in ANY other circumstance, and generally self-satisfying on the whole, is not the best option. If simultaneous urination and excretion becomes inevitable, it's difficult to align your japs-eye below the rim whilst Colonel Cock is pointing to the skies.

Step 3: Is Grunting Acceptable?

If you share your house/apartment/squat with other individuals, and you are the first to make the pilgrimage to the holy watering hole, then you may feel a tad self-conscious about the moaning and groaning that can accompany such an event.

THIS IS COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY.

They will fully appreciate your predicament, and vocal self-motivation should be encouraged within your domestic group. If cries of "c'mon ya bastard" and "who fucking owns ya, baby!" are required to encourage a stubborn turtle head from its shell, then by all means shout it out to your heart's content - let Mother Nature take her course, and if that means a little shove in the right direction with a few verses of "Push it, Push it", then so be it.

Step 4: Self Appreciation

After a job well done, it's always tempting to fetch a quick glance back into the pan to admire your work.

THIS IS NOT ADVISABLE WITH THE MORNING DUMP.

However curious you may be to see if you are the next Donatello in the field of anal sculpture, the resulting rise of stench and the sight that may present itself, can turn a forthcoming breakfast of sausages into psychological nightmare. It's best avoided, unless it's one you've particulary had to wrestle with - after all, there's no point going through the torment of squeezing a brown balloon from your ass, if you can't treat your ego to a bit of self gratification.

Step 5: The Clean Up

Dont be afraid to be liberal with the loo roll. It's worth investing in some padded 3-ply, and give your ring a treat. If the budget doesn't stretch that far, under no circumstances should you settle for a cheaper "tracing paper" alternative. There are plenty of household items that can provide a little comfort, such as; cotton wool; an old, no longer used sock; your flat mate's treasured Diana Ross flannel.

If your anal discharge was ejected at a pacey rate, there may be some staining on the back of the toilet bowl. Don't feel obliged to grab the loo brush and remove your shitty signature - What doesn't get carried away with the flush can be "jet-washed" clean on your next piss visit, when your bladder has gained optimum pressure power.

Step 6: Man I Fucking Stink - Should I Open a Window, or Maybe Spray Some Freshener?

Ask yourself this - would THEY do it for YOU?

Of course they fucking wouldn't. Let the next poor bastard who graces the bathroom savour the full extent of your colonic contents. It's like cats pissing in the wild to mark their territory. And if you cant stamp your presence in the toilet, then you might as well give up and roll over dead.

And there you have it folks. Follow these simple steps, and the morning dump will soon become something you set your alarm for.

"I shit - and I'm proud of it"